on my bike being stolen: i was stunned, in disarray, stunned, stunned, stunned.  and scared. and rethinking the interaction over and over again for what i would do differently (i nearly caught him, but he was at the bottom of my stairs when i was just catching him…) so i yelled at him. and chased him.  as opposed to offering him my other bike in genuine giving.  it put a cloud over me, my interactions with people, i felt as though i had less to give, i was suspicious, i was looking for my bike, i was distracted, withholding, sad, stunned….i got my smile back, as i remembered grace reigns here (points to chest) and grace reigns here (our home in the city). peace also reigns here, and is given by the Lord alone, as Judy kindly pointed out.  less stunned, i am moving on, moving towards…

on justice (by Volf):  “Why does God not treat all people equally but attends to each person in their specificity? Why does God not abstract from the relationship but instead lets the relationship shape the judgements and actions? Because the justice which equalizes and abstracts is an unjust justice!…we could do justice to differences, but not do justice to justice.  For the unpredictable present play of differences itself rests on past injustice.  The whole present is built on past violence and deception…the irreversible history of injustice weighs on the shoulders of the present.  The burden cannot be cast away.  Neither revenge nor reparations can redress old injustices without creating new ones.  Justice demands not a perfect map of the existing world (who did what to whom when and why) but nothing less than the undoing of the world, past and present, and the creation of a new world.  If you want justice and nothing but justice, you will inevitably get injustice.  If you want justice without injustice, you must want love”

Me: sinners sinning against sinners breeds sinners sinning against sinners.  broken people, hurting, taken from, torn down, respond.  we’re born into broken injustice.  everyone, everywhere.

and the Hope (Volf): “We need reminders that the impossible is possible: we can and we will communicate with one another while we each speak our own languages; submerged voices will prophesy boldly and closed eyes will be opened to see visions; the needs of all will be met because none of us will call our things only our own.  But along with the grand visions we need stories of small successful steps of learning to live together even when we do not quite understand each other’s language, even when we suppress each other’s voices, and even when we still cling too much to our own possessions and rob the possessions of others.  The grand vision and the small steps together keep us on a journey toward genuine justice between cultures.  As we make space in ourselves for the perspective of the other on this journey, in a sense we have already arrived at the place where the Spirit was poured out on all flesh.  And as we desire to embrace the other while we remain true to ourselves and to the crucified Messiah, in a sense we already are where we will be when the home of God is established among mortals.” !! 

Me: Praise God, Let’s live certain of this hope. this is what we are citizens of. this is our new self. our new culture. this is kingdom. 

can you see how i am encouraged?  are you encouraged to suspend judgement, to pursue love. and justice, yes, though it is inherent with injustice all the same we are called to do it, yes, with understanding of our limitations and willingness to consider another’s perspective and for the purpose of love, even love that sometimes doesn’t feel like love…why do we sometimes not want to come with our grace and love, our gospel message, that is defenseless (that is to say, doesn’t defend oneself), with our peace, our dialogue, our non-violence?  because what if we’re the only one?  i mean i will if you will…i will if they will….but we’re not called to that. Jesus already did. and enables us to do the same. without consideration for consequence, fully understanding the possibility of quite literal cross bearing.

genuine love in the face of enmity. in the face of a world feeding on violence, miscommunication, self, ignorance, and the suppression of truth. we should not be surprised by our cross.

but once we have tasted that love. His love. how could we but. where else could we go. what else could we do.  the well runs deep.  and it won’t run dry.  and it’s not containable.

looking forward to the justice of God who is also full of grace and partiality for His people. and looking forward to that new creation.  living in light of it, i’m ok with the bike thief, i pray for him, i will love him if i have the chance, i really believe Christ died for the sins of the world.  and grace reigns here (points to chest again) and here (in our home). 

Praise God.

i don’t know who i am right now.  Being daughter is different when you aren’t husband and wife. and we aren’t “family.”  That challenges everything i thought i knew about life and me and how it was to be.

pain can be physical, emotional, loss, or burden.

hurt. vulnerable. judged. offended. attacked. cut down. unknown. unnoticed. unloved. no worth. what gave me worth is now gone. unable. dissappointing/dissappointment. unwanted. meaningless. un. not. in my core. unmet. unmet expectations. plans ruined. not in control. hopes vanished. identity altered.

who am i now? who was i then? What makes me “me?” …what i like, dislike…what i talk about, do, dream about…my family, where i came from, roles–prescribed or chosen by family, friends, or organization…

will i be ok?  will i have purpose? meaning? what is my hope?

in an abreviated form: “If there is any posture that disturbs a suffering man or woman, it is aloofness.  The tragedy of Christian ministry is that many who are in great need, many who seek an attentive ear, a word of support, a forgiving embrace, a firm hand, a tender smile, or even a stuttering confewssion of inability to do more, often find their ministers distant men who do not want to burn their fingers…The paradox indeed is that those who want to be for ‘everyone’ find themselves often unable to be close to anyone…it seems necessary to re-establish the basic principle that no one can help anyone without becoming involved, without entering with his whole person into the painful situation, without taking the risk of becoming hurt, wounded or even destroyed in the process.  The beginning and the end of all Christian leadership is to give your life for others.  Thinking about martyrdom can be an escape unless we realize that real martyrdom means a witness that starts with willingness to cry with those who cry, laugh with those who laugh, and to make one’s own painful and joyful experiences available as sources of clarification and understanding. Who can save a child from a burning house without taking the risk of being hurt by the flames? Who can listen to a story of loneliness and despair without taking the risk of experienceing similar pains in his own heart and even losing his precious peace of mind…the great illusion of leadership is to think that man can be led out of the desert by someone who has never been there…we have forgotten that no God can save us except a suffering God, and that no man can lead his people except the man who is crushed by its sins.”

bear with me a little longer… “Personal concern mean making  Mr. Harrison the only one who counts, the one for whom I am willing to forget my many other obligations, my sheduled appointments adn long-prepared meetings, not because they’re not important but because they lose their urgency in the face of Mr. Harrison’s agony.  Personal concern makes it possible to experience that going after the ‘lost sheep’ is really a service to those who were left alone.  MANY will put their trust in him who went all the way, out of concern for just one of them… It’s not just curiosity which makes people listen to a preacher when he speaks directly to a man and a woman whos marriage he blesses or to the children of the amn whom he buries in the ground.  They listen in the deepseated hope that a personal concern might give the preacher words that carry beyond the ears of those who joy or suffering he shares.  Few listen to a sermon which is intended to applicable to everyone, but most pay careful attention to words born out of concern for only a few.  ALL THIS SUGGESTS THAT WHEN ONE HAS THE COURAGE TO ENTER WHERE LIFE IS EXPERIENCED AS MOST UNIQUE AND MOST PRIVATE, ONE TOUCHES THE SOUL OF THE COMMUNITY.  THE MAN WHO HAS SPENT MANY HOURS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND, FEEL, AND CLARIFY THE ALIENATION AND CONFUSION OF ONE OF HIS FELLOW MEN MIGHT WELL BE THE BEST EQUIPPED TO SPEAK TO THE NEEDS OF THE MANY, BECAUSE ALL MEN ARE ONE AT THE WELLSPRING OF PAIN AND JOY” 

The beginning of what to do with it: share my pain. and explore pain in general. feel free to comment/share your own pain as well.

i say “i have two appetites in me, which one should I feed?”

he says it is safe to wrestle with theology and phenomenology.

who knows what a ridealist is anyways?

with so much empathy and compassion i could give understanding for miles. and miles.

with so much grace been shown to me, i cannot withhold it.

my old nature thinks it ought to be arbiter regarding your two natures. but my new nature knowing the grace by which it came, knows its inability to do so.  of course i don’t want to encourage you in your sin. of course i don’t want to enable you. or disable you.

i don’t think i can “balance” calling others to righteousness, to the high mark, and being gracious, forgiving, and understanding. i think just as the two natures. or the flesh and the spirit are both at task in me, in tension. i will hold in tension, together, the high calling–holiness AND unlimited, unfailing, ever persisting, really real grace that is grace. 

here’s to not choosing sides.  here’s to holiness. by the grace of God alone.  there is no other means by which we are to change but by the love and grace of God shown to us, in His first loving us, that we might respond in love, in obedience which is love. 

why do i feel as though some sinners are cast aside, their grace run out, sometimes self assuming? cut off from that which saves. and is Christ’s to give. and which He gave.

What’s the hope for your people, O Lord?  after that O Lord?  Did you create us for the curse? (no) And to reverse the curse? (no)

That we would be your people and you would be our God. What does that look like, have you told us?  (yes)

life. living it. enjoying it. love. compassion. kindness. forgiveness. patience. humility. gentleness. peace. joy. love. love. love. unity.

compassion to the hurting, the sad, the grieving, the suffering, the pained 

kindness, patience, gentleness  to the bitter, the angry, the hateful, the hurtful, the sharp, the unkind, the selfish, the proud

I love my master, I will not go free. Your path is straight and narrow O Lord, and you showed us yourself, you are the way. defensless. secure in truth you sacrificed all. you bore in yourself the penalty for sin, my shame and my sorrow.

The economy of love is non-sensical to us. There’s no tit-for-tat. this-for-that.  Unrequited war.  Recieving without having made a payment.  it catches us by surprise. catches me by surprise. disequalibrium. i pause. i remember. i look on Him who is. and praise Him for His perfect, unfailing, everlasting, awesome, steadfast, perfect, perfect, perfect love.

God has ventured all in Jesus Christ to save us, now He wants us to venture our all in abandoned confidence in Him. There are spots where that faith has not worked in us as yet, places untouched by the life of God. There were none of those spots in Jesus Christ’s life, and there are to be none in ours. “This is life eternal, that they might know Thee.” The real meaning of eternal life is a life that can face anything it has to face without wavering. If we take this view, life becomes one great romance, a glorious opportunity for seeing marvellous things all the time. God is disciplining us to get us into this central place of power.”  –may 8th, O. Chambers. My Utmost for His Highest.

i agree wholeheartedly.

there have been seasons, themes, images, messages, repititions, and different expressions and passions throughout my spiritual transformation. as i make up an individual and as we as a group of individuals also make up an individual (the bride, the church) i see our many different pursuits as different expressions of our Lord’s heart. i have freedom to desire unity for the body. even the body i don’t understand. i have trust that Christ is the head of His church. and leading His people. that in the things i don’t understand there may be the heart of God displayed by sinful people prone to make a way other than the way. and prone to dependence. and prone to eliminate tension by dividing and organizing.  but alas. the body is one. and has one head. and He desires unity. would we seek after His heart. entrust to Him His own church, His own bride, for whom He is jealous. for whom He desires. for whom He has rescued.  and bought.  

just as i have to hold in tension the polar truths of God in whom these truths are held true. just as i have to hold together the many different words that have been spoken into my life that seemed to come with great passion and a to-do list. may we not be busy with many things, but choose the best thing. and sit at our Saviour’s feet. growing in dependence. living in the tension. growing in dependence. realizing His heart and His plan is too great to fully comprehend. but to be led by Him in this moment. to listen. to be obedient. to be reconcilled. to choose unity. and love. to build up. to consider others better than ourselves. this we can do. in faith.

as He is the author and finisher of my faith. carrying on to completion the good work He began. He is doing the same in His bride, us, coorporately.  magnificent.

set the bar high. heavenly-high. for all the saints everywhere.

and when the world wonders why. we’ll just tell them we’re loving our King. whoa whoa oo.   we’ll just tell them we’re loving our King.

can i praise God? yes.

can i love, embrace, move toward, listen to, and build up? yes.

can i recieve? yes.

can i serve? yes.

can i know the peace that surpasses understanding? yes.

can i hope in glory fulfilled? yes.

can i long to depart? to be absent from this body? yes.

can i eagerly await my savior from heaven? yes.

can i recieve that the Lord is for me, delights in me, is not for my destruction, not for my pain? yes.

can i be part of the kingdom coming here on earth? yes.

can i not grumble? yes.  (see: can i praise God?)

can i remember God’s faithfulness? goodness? soverignty? yes.